Well i am 14 and getting into writing what do you think?
The story of how I got into 閳ユ翻he Business閳?is quite an interesting tale. I was 17 years old on that particular Thursday morning. Arising at 4:00 a.m., I went for my morning run through Central Park; it was about five miles from my house in lower Manhattan, also known as Little Italy. The exact time is forever embedded in my brain, because it was a milestone for me. My five miles were completed in twenty-nine minutes thirty-seven seconds, a personal best for me. After my cool down, I arrived at my family閳ユ獨 old brick town house on Mulberry and Spring Streets. I directed myself straight to the basement for weight training. It was abs, triceps and calves day.
I ran up the stairs to the second story of the house. I set out clothes for the day: a purple Polo set with a pair of black Dickie's. I walked across the hallway to the bathroom, and sat down on the sink. I needed a second to chill my nerves and think. I turned the knob shower to hot. I stared into the mirror, and examined my brown eyes. I took a long, hard look at my dark complexioned face, and thought about how nice it was to always be tan.
I took off my sweat-drenched shirt, and examined my muscles in the mirror. I flexed my huge arms. There were dominant cuts in my biceps and triceps. I flexed my abs and pectoral muscles, they looked great. I had a gut, but my abs showed the outline of a four pack. My pectoral muscles were as hard as rocks. The mirror was starting to steam up, so I took off the rest of my clothes and got into the shower.
While in the shower I thought about football. My Senior year was coming up, and it was going to be a big year. The starting left tackle position was mine to play for my high school. This accomplishment was a big deal, because I was a legacy at the school. My Dad played Varsity, until he was a Senior, when he blew out his right knee. I decided to quit thinking about football, and completed washing my hair and face. I got out of the shower, walked across the bathroom, and grabbed a towel from the cabinet under the sink. After drying myself, I wrapped the towel around my waist, and walked down the hallway into my bedroom.
I decided not to wear the purple Polo and black Dickie閳ユ獨, but rather, to wear a white Polo shirt with black Under Armor shorts. After dressing, I walked back into the bathroom and used my towel to wipe the condensation off the mirror. I shaved, put on deodorant, and splashed with Aqua Di Gio cologne. Bounding down the first few stairs, the smell of Mom閳ユ獨 biscuits greeted my stomach kindly.
Mom was in the kitchen, presumably, cooking biscuits and gravy. She was wearing a pearl white robe making her black hair and tan skin exeriliant. She was concentrating on whatever. I slowed my pace down the stairs, as if to sneak up on her, but when I hit the last step it creaked loudly. Mom turned around and said,閳ユ桓ood Morning, Salvatore. I have two questions for you: Did you sleep well? Do biscuits and gravy sound good for breakfast?閳?br> I replied,閳?Yes, and well, yes. I think you should at least know I閳ユ獡 going to be hungry, after my run and workout. Seriously. Look at me, I閳ユ獡 6閳?閳?and weigh 250 pounds.閳? I flexed my 22閳?pythons and said,閳?Look at me. I閳ユ獡 a beast. Do you want a piece of this, Momma? Let閳ユ獨 Go!閳?br> She laughed and said,閳?Yes, Son, but right now you are going to have breakfast and eat your biscuits and gravy, like a good boy. Did you really think you could sneak up on me? Remember, I閳ユ獡 from Sicily, so I can hear you coming from a mile away.閳?br> I smiled back at her, and said,閳?Ha-ha, really funny. I can smell the aroma from your biscuits three miles away. I閳ユ獡 starving to death, when is it going to be done?閳?br> She pulled the biscuits out of the oven, and said,閳?Now.閳?
Dad walked into the room and said,閳?Hey Sal-le! How are you doing this morning? Did you work out?閳? My Dad was wearing a pinstriped suit this morning. He was, also, wearing the tie I got him which read:閳ユ徊est Dad Ever.閳?br> I said,閳?Yes Dad, I worked out, and I ran a personal best to the park.閳?Mom put the blue plate filled with biscuits and gravy at my place on the island of the kitchen.
Dad said,閳?That閳ユ獨 excellent son. You閳ユ獧e going to go much further than I ever did. Do you want a ride to school?閳?br>
閳ユ藩ure, let me finish my food, and get my stuff for school,閳?I said.
閳ユ穾ll right I am going to go warm up the car,閳?he said.
I smiled at him and said, 閳ユ窔閳ユ獟l see you in a minute.閳?Dad then kissed mom and told her he loved her. He strolled out of the room and a few seconds later I heard the front door close.
I took a bite of my food. Mom閳ユ獨 biscuits have always been the best. I heard an explosion, and felt a wave of shock throughout the room. It was so strong that mom nearly fell down. I felt a sudden panic, and bolted to the front door. I threw the door open and stood staring in complete disbelief at the horrific scene before my eyes.
My Dad閳ユ獨 car had been turned into an inferno. My guts retching and turning inside of my body, I sprinted to the burning car, which was surrounded by debris. My Dad was trapped and screaming inside of the car! My father was howling from the excruciating pain of the fire. I could see he was suffering. I could see he was in Hell. Somehow, I needed to save him. I ripped my Polo off and wrapped it around my hand. I yanked on the door handle with all of my power. The feeling of the hot metal burning through the shirt was excruciating. Condemning my father to die in this fiery abyss was not an option. I continued pulling, and finally it came open. At that moment I noticed Dad閳ユ獨 screaming had stopped. My father was dead. I quickly pulled my cell phone out of my pocket and dialed 911. I explained to the operator that my father閳ユ獨 car had exploded. The operator to tried to calm me down, and since I wasn閳ユ獩 up for it, I spiked my phone onto the hard, cement driveway.
Walking back to the house I suddenly felt a sickness float upon me, and I proceeded to vomit. After a few minutes, I had regurgitated everything, but I could not stop vomiting. I examined the palms of my hands, all bloody and burnt. Looking up at my house, I could see my mother on the phone, tears free-falling from her cheeks.
What do you think of my writing? Well I did a lot of reading for you! It's a pretty good start at your age.
What I suggest is a looser feel to the story... starting with the verb "Arising..." I'm sure that "Rising..." is good enough, especially as the protagonist is 17.
Also I'm sure the smell of biscuits cooking would greet "Salvatore" kindly, not his "stomach." Stomach are rarely greeted, right? ;-}
In fact, I also read a couple of the answers you've gotten so far, though I rarely do that-- I don't know why, except that I just read another long story that is posted and wanted a little break before answering your post. (see me shrug)
I disagree very much that you "need more detail." I really think you have a little too much detail here.
We don't need to know the protagonist's every move, including all outfits considered for the day, the fact that he dries himself off after a shower (I'm pretty sure everybody does), that he puts on deodorant... Do you see how very personal and unnecessary such details are? I hope so.
I realize that you want to describe the protagonist, though I don't see why we have to look at each muscle. The description in the kitchen, the fact that he is slated to start as left tackle... these things describe him more fluently than a muscle-to-muscle look in the mirror.
I had begun to wonder if the protagonist is a narcissist! His description of himself to his mother is really enough, with that football comment.
I don't know the word "exeriliant," and I guess I wonder if a 17 year old would know it either.
And I'm almost afraid to say this, but I had a feeling something really bad was going to happen that day. What I'm hoping is that you set it up that way on purpose. I can only think that you did. Getting "into the Business," a time "forever embedded"-- that is actually very good foreshadowing about the disaster to occur later.
The car's explosion and family reaction is good. In general I can see where a good story could come out of this. It's often good writing... just tighten it up.
Reading it out loud is one way to see how it sounds.
Another good way is to practice reading it as if you had never seen the story before-- as if you were a total stranger-- older, younger, a girl, boy, man or woman; try them all out.
Each of these different views of your story will tell you more about how to make it better.
And have fun writing it! That's the one of the most important things at this stage... to keep writing and enjoy it all, even re-writing.
Luck--
What do you think of my writing? I can't be asked to read of that sorry
What do you think of my writing? for me its great its the most inspired writing i have ever read . you will do it great if you present it!
What do you think of my writing? Hey, I'm 14, too. I think you are really good! You should deffinitly enter in a writing contest or something. Need any more help, just e-mail me: annerwanners90@yahoo.com
=]
What do you think of my writing? realy good...not
it is great!
is this true?
you will probily be a great writer in future years!
What do you think of my writing? Think you could summarize that to two or three paragraphs? I hate reading walls of text from writers wanting reviews of their work.
What do you think of my writing? for someone ur age u have a lot of talent if u keep writing u should be pretty successful
What do you think of my writing? You write incredibly well for a 14-year old, however you should be a little bit more detailed. When people read they really want to be able to picture everything you are saying. You have to paint a picture for them with your words.
What do you think of my writing? Oh my gosh that was so good! The beginning was good, but the surprise of the fire was awesome! Keep writing and posting things...=)
What do you think of my writing? Get your writing "copyrighted" before posting it on the
"internet." for your safety, or others will, and you lose the
"credit and the royalty's." %26lt;}:-})
What do you think of my writing? I didn't read all that. But from what I read your a very talented boy.
What do you think of my writing? Oh! You're GREAT!!!
I love it.
Hey, you can write stories on www.lulu.com, and sell them! U'll get lots of money.
I'll give u some links where u can write and get paid. You are gifted, why not use ur talent?
What do you think of my writing? I enjoyed your writing, the story grasped me. Kept me wanting to read more. BUT....
check it out. this could make your writing even better.
"I ran up the stairs to the second story of the house. I set out clothes for the day: a purple Polo set with a pair of black Dickie's. I walked across the hallway to the bathroom, and sat down on the sink. I needed a second to chill my nerves and think. I turned the knob shower to hot. I stared into the mirror, and examined my brown eyes. I took a long, hard look at my dark complexioned face, and thought about how nice it was to always be tan."
If you notice in that paragraph every sentence starts with I
and later on I also noticed the same thing. It starts with the subject *noun the sentence revolves around* and the predicate (the action the subject is doing) RIGHT after the subject. Now if you mix things up, like start with something different, like what happens next in the sentence...
EXAMPLE
I waved at the car because someone I knew was riding in the backseat.
MIX THINGS UP
Noticing someone in the backseat, I waved at the ford pickup.
you know, just mix it up because people enjoy creative sentences....
the more creative, the better.
What do you think of my writing? Wow, it's great! But you need to add people talking...
It's sad!!!!!!!! Give it to one of member of your family member for Christmas :)
KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK!!
Very touching:)
ADD MORE!
What do you think of my writing? For 14 years old you have the general idea that you would like to write for a living. As both a journalist with my Master's Degree and years experience in writing, I would like to say that so far you are doing O.K.
You have a knack for detail with colors/sights/sounds.
However your story does fail to grasp the reader and pull it in. You want to start off a story strong to keep people interested. Pretty much your story was, this happened, then this happenend, then that happened, and so on. There was never really a hook, or a nut paragraph to tell the reader what your story will be about.
Also when you include quotations into your story, you don't have to write, "Mom turned around and said,閳ユ桓ood Morning, Salvatore. I have two questions for you: Did you sleep well? Do biscuits and gravy sound good for breakfast?閳?br>
Having quotations indicates that someone is speaking so to start of the sentence with "mom turned around and said" is very weak.
Just start the sentence off with "Good morning Salvatore, did you sleep well? Would you like some biscuits and gravy for breakfast?" asked mom.
What I also question is the continuity and flow of your story. You start off and talk about working out and your abs. You spend 3/4 of your story (the first 4 large paragraphs) discussing your workout routine, your physique, how big you are and you totally twist it around into your father dying. Although I see you might be trying to write with a twist at the end, it doesn't really work.
You need to start with this at the beginning and evolve the story from beginning to end, the first 3/4 of your story does not relate in anyway towards the end.
Focus your ideas more narrow your ideas down and figure out if you want to write a story about your exercise regimin or a car exploding and your father dying.
It's good to begin writing early though, practice and read read read. Readers always make great writers.
Good luck.
What do you think of my writing? Very impressive for a 14 year old. Nice. =]
