i make my way into the hallway undetected by the security cameras and the guard, i walk slowly and with patience, oh yes, i have all the time in the world... i got nothing to lose, not even time, i keep walking when suddenly i feel someone coming towards me, i turn around and see a shadow with the corner of my eye, i hide behind a corner and pull out my knife quietly, ill just camp here and wait for the bastard to pass by me, as soon as i see a throat i go for it, i pull him into the shadows and start stabbing him so more... hey what the heck, why not go all the way? i behead him slowly, he squirms and kicks but nothing can save him, hes in my shadows... that satisfies my thirst for revenge only a little, i clean the blood off my hands with his handkerchief and slide my knife clean on his cheeks, i keep walking to my objective, i must kill the bastard that took my wife's life, i must stop him from leaving another man with nothing to lose, i must satisfy my desire for revenge, yes then i can die peacefully, like an old man dies just for being too old.... i hear someone walking behind me, i turn around...nothing.... i must be hallucinating, i havent slept for 7 days, GET IT TOGETHER YOU FOOL! you must not fail, this is your only chance to die satisfied... my beard or hair has never been this long, my eyes bloodier or my skin this dehydrated, im a demon, a crazy man with a knife, a man that is about to quench his thirst for revenge, yes, only a few more steps, im gonna make that bastard suffer, and im gonna take my time with him and just when he thinks that his suffering is going to end im gonna let him know that it has just started.... i finally get to his room, hes asleep, i crawl my way to his bed, i do not want to take any chances, i do it slowly, i can hear my heart thumping, the dirt crackling under my knees, i take out my mini bat and wake him up with a "BOO" and before he can say anything i crack him in the head and knock him out...... he finally wakes up, ive been waiting.... patiently... "how do you like my house Mr. Carter?" he looks around confused with an agonizing headache, i take out my "special" tools and let him see them. "I hope you remember me, if not thats ok, i just want to accomplish my mission here in this life since you took my wife's life... shall we start?" i stare at him for a moment, he does not dare look at my face, i pull up my sleeves and i slap him as hard as i can, i start punching him in the face continously, crying with hatred, i pull out my pocket knife insert it into his nose and pull it out hard slicing his nose, i do the same with his lips, i bite off his ears, and he screams like a pig "SCREAM MR. CARTER, SCREAM!!! SATISFY MY ANGER!!! IF YOU SCREAM HARD ENOUGH I MIGHT LET YOU GO!" he screams harder "HARDER MR. CARTER HARDER!!" the bastard screams more, and the harder he screams the more he satifies my pain and quenches my thirst for his blood, i take all night doing my last and final job in this life, i make every minute of this count, until his last breath, i place a bullet inside his mouth, "Thats for the life that you took..." i sigh... finally i can die peacefully, i pull out my knife once more, clean the blood off of it, say my last prayers and insert it into my stomach...i fall back and sit on the floor, it does not hurt, it just feels cold, after ten minutes i start seeing blood...i start having flashbacks of my wife...her beautiful smile, her eyes, the night of our wedding, how we danced romantically under the full moon, the perfume of love strong in the air, i remember our sad and happy moments, when the miscarriage happened and how i hugged her after the news while she was taking a shower, i didnt care if i got my clothes wet, i just wanted to hug her, i remember when i bought her the house of her dreams, how we made love that night all night long...i miss her, i hope i dont go to hell, and if i do i hope i can at least see her face one more time, or hear her voice... i start feeling drowsy and sleepy, my eyelids feel heavy, i close my eyes and relax... i can finally hear her voice... i missed it, i really did...deep sleep empowers me with her voice echoing in my head...and finally i die peacefully....
ok all i need is some opinions from you guys please, and this is just a piece of a story, dont take it all serious and stuff =/ i just have a wild imagination, but i would never hurt a fly lol :P and also im not a proffesional, i didnt go to college, and this is just a sample i wrote this in about 30-40 minutes so please dont expect a master piece or something lol although critics, good and bad comments are accepted gracefully, i must correct my mistakes thank you
REVENGE FOR THAT BASTARD xix?
It has a lot of action, and that is a lot of detail to put down in 30-40 minutes, so kudos.
It seems more like the climax of a story than a full story. I don't know the narrator, so I can't really empathize with his need for revenge. Maybe you could put fill in some details.
Also, if you're interested in writing, don't knock yourself for not being a pro or not going to college. You have imagination, and can make a coherent scene. This also means that you can't use that as an excuse for ATROCIOUS grammar. Consistent grammar makes the reading much easier, and is a sign of respect to your potential readers. If you don't want to take the time to capitalize your i's and break your piece into paragraphs, your readers are not as likely to take you seriously.
So, if it takes half an hour to pound something out, spend another half hour organizing it. I bet you'll get a lot more answers and more positive feedback.
Thanks for posting this for us. I'd love to see a revised version of this.
