What do you think of my story?

Auburn Hair

What do you think of when you hear of Auburn hair? Well, I know I think of a girl who was different then anyone else,a girl who was shuuned from her family and town because they were so afraid of her special powers. See, Anama was a medium and could see the dead as well as interact with them. She wasn't just a medium however, she was a full blooded wiccan. Her mother died giving birth to her and her mother was also a wiccan. Anama's mother had been hated by her mother, father, sister, and brother and only had herself. The father of the girl with Auburn hair had left her mother when he found out she was pregnant. So, Anama's grandmother barely took care of her until she was twelve. Her grandmother had hated her by then for just being born a full blooded wiccan but little did she know that not only was Anama wiccan, but she could also see the dead. Anama had realized that she had special powers when she was seven. At school she kept seeing this little boy and no one else did. The school sent her home claiming she was delirious and sick. Anama's grandmother broke her jaw and nose for making her drive up there. Meanwhile at school, all the kids stayed as far away from her as possible. No one wanted to hang out with the crazy wiccan girl. So by the time she was twelve her heart had grown cold but her soul remained hopeful that she would find someone to love and care for her the way her family and this town never did. Well, one day she decided that enough was enough. Anama was tired of being hated and thought of as a worthless piece of garbage. She would run away and find love in Carolina while her family and town stayed in Colorado.

It was three in the morning and Anama was sneaking out of the house.

What do you think of my story?

Here are my edits:

1. Lose the opening "Well". It weakens the required "suspension of belief" of the your story by making your audience think about YOU, the author's voice, rather than fall under your "spell" as a storyteller.

2. ". . . I know I think of a girl . . ."

There was a girl with auburn hair who was not like anyone else.

3. ". . .who was shunned from her family . . ."

She was shunned by all who were afraid of her special powers.

4. "See, Anama . . ." Lose the "See". See edit #1 above.

5. "She wasn't just a medium however, she was a full blooded wiccan."

She was more than a Medium. She was a Wiccan. (hear the power in that arrangement of the words? It speaks in a more "mysterious", ethereal way. The "however" weakens the "spooky" tone, turns it into "girly-talk". This story isn't about "girls". It's about a powerful, mysterious woman. Use words and word arrangements to punch the tone down into a more gutteral sound).

6. "Her mother died giving giving birth . . ."

Anama's mother died giving birth to her. She, too, was Wiccan. (When speaking of two females in the same thought, make it easy for your audience to keep them straight, to know exactly who you are talking about. One way to do that is to use their names).

7. "Anama's mother had been hated . . ."

And, she too was despised and feared and was alone in the world.

8. "The father of the girl with the Auburn hair . . ."

(Eeeeew. Bad sentence. Most confusing.)

Try: Adama's mother was abandoned by the father of her child when she learned that she was pregnant.

9. "So, Adana's grandmother barely took care of her until . . ."

( MOST confusing. You skipped a step in the sequence. Just because Anama's father abandoned her mother does not necessarily lead your audience to the vision of Anama's mother did not raising her. And, you introduced a new character, Grandmother, at the same time that you introduced "barely took care", a serious concept of neglect. Keep major concepts separated until after each is introduced, then, juggle away willy-nilly with them. Just not when bringing them up the first time. YOU understand. But, your job is to make sure that your audience understands these matters. YOU have been juggling these concepts for awhile. They make sense to you. But, introductions must be made first for your audience to catch up with your vision).

10. Collaborative edit:

Anama's grandmother, who raised her for twelve years, hated her from the beginning for having special powers. Little did she know that Anama could also see the dead.

11. "Anama had realized that she had special powers when she was seven."

Collaborative edit:

Anama did not realize that she had special powers until she was seven years old.

12. At school she kept seeing this little boy . . "

At school, she saw a little boy . . . a boy no one else could see.

13. "The school sent her home claiming she was delirious and sick."

The school sent her home because they said Anama was delirious and sick.

14. "Anama's grandmother broke her jaw and nose . . "

Anama's grandmother became violent over the incident and broke Anama's jaw and nose.

15. Meanwhile at school . . ."

(Lose the "Meanwhile". )

After that, she was shunned at school. No one wanted to hang out with a crazy Wiccan girl.

16. "So, by the time she was twelve her heart . . .

By the time that she was twelve years old, her heart had grown cold. But, her soul remained hopeful. She knew that someday she would find someone to love and to care about her the way that her family and the people of her town never did.

17. "Well, one day she decided . . ."

The day came when Anama decided that enough was enough.

18. "Anama was tired of being hated and thought of as a worthless piece of garbage."

She was tired of being hated. . .

19. "She would run away and find love in Carolina while her . . ."

She would run away and find love in Carolina. And, her family and town would stay behind forever in Colorado.

20. "It was three in the morning and . . .

It was three in the morning. Anama snuck out of the house.

You have talent, girlchild. Keep writing.

Later: Yeah, I like the name change. You should have seen me try to type "Anama". : ) Just make it clear. Pretend that you are writing for five year olds. I like your "style" in this story. . . that cut and dry and brisk breezy way you write. Just keep writing and editing. Over and over and over . . .edit.

What do you think of my story?

its a little dark aint it honey?

What do you think of my story?

Write shorter stories in future so that I could read them full.